PEACE

Finding Peace Among Broken Pieces

We all have our broken pieces.

I had a gal in New Jersey who broke my heart, ripped it to shreds, trampled on it, and sent it to me cod in a paper bag. So, I was out of there. No looking back. I was going to build a new life in California, three thousand miles away from the pain.

Well... that pain followed me there.

What frightens, exhilarates, and inspires me are often very close together. Those feelings are the essence of what has driven and still drives me to risk today.

In life and in love, everybody is broken in some way... physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. In this life, nobody gets away unhurt.

We are always trying to find somebody whose broken pieces fit with our broken pieces, and hopefully, something whole will emerge.

I've spent my life, and then some, learning who I am and who I am not. I've spent a lot of that time trying to learn how to let go of the destructive parts of my character. They did not go easily into that good night. For a long time, if I loved you and if I felt a deep attachment to you, I would hurt you if I could. It was a sin, and I still have days that I struggle with it.

Sometimes I would gravitate towards the pain because it was what I was used to. It’s how I recognized myself. It felt like home. It felt more familiar to me. At times, it felt more familiar to me than love. Even today, I struggle with not knowing how to hold on to love... but I do know how to hold on to hurt and pain.

But I have gotten better. Through the love of my family and my good friends, I've learned how to love myself and others. I have learned how to be kind and be of service without demands. I have learned how to be loving and compassionate to those close to me, and I have learned to try to live with some small honor.

As I am getting older and my search of who my character was and who my character is, I have found my true self. I have an inner compass today that doesn’t allow me to bullshit myself. I know exactly who I am and what I have done. The good, the bad, and the ugly of it. It’s my small redemption.

I have made a relative peace with myself. I wake up in the morning grateful to be here another day and have a chance to do better.

It's easy to lose yourself, or never find yourself. The older you get, the heavier that baggage becomes that you haven't sorted through... so you pay the price... and the older you get, the higher that price is.

In the past, I have put myself on the line, put my heart on the line, and at times that bred nothing but pain and failure... so I ran.

I've done a lot of that kind of running. I lost control of my desires, my dreams, my appetites, my temper, and I reaped what I sowed. You run until you've left everything that you've loved and that loves you behind.

Lies will devour everything you have and everything you will ever have. Faith, hope, trust, all those things that are hard to come by... that what grows your garden of love. Lies will try to make a fool out of all those things.

Love is one of our true blessings in this life. Love is a miracle. Love is there to better us. But you must work for its blessings. Love and the creative life it burns are signs of divinity within us. Sometimes our fears, our old habits, and our insecurities get the best of the best that’s within us. It takes work to not let love slip away. Love is the redemption of your heart. Your soul transformed.

Through hard thought, hard times, and hard realizations, we drive out of the darkness and into the light of sunshine and love.

I wish on you, and yours only love, companionship, God's blessing, and a guiding light through the dark for all your days.